On Suffering And How To Break Free

Buddhist philosophy teaches us that suffering is inevitable in this life. The idea is that life is inherently filled with unsatisfactory experiences. We are all going to experience any number of negative thoughts and emotions, in response to the various circumstances that we face, often, throughout the course of our lives. We’re human. We experience thoughts and emotions on a consistent basis. Research data indicates that we have something like 60,000-70,000 thoughts each day. As Jack Kornfield, the influential spiritual teacher and mindfulness guru, says, the mind secretes thoughts like the mouth secretes saliva. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we don’t have to be consumed by our thoughts and emotions. Looking at it one way, the mind, overall, is like the clear blue sky, and thoughts and emotions are like the weather patterns, passing through, for a period of time. They’re transient. Impermanent. They don’t last. “This too shall pass,” as it was written in the bible. One of the tools of mindfulness is to practice pausing, and paying attention to our moment to moment experience, without being caught up in whatever the circumstance is. Mindfulness, as Jon Kabat-Zin, mindfulness guru and developer of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, describes it is, “paying attention, on purpose, in a particular way, and non-judgmentally.” Michael Singer refers to this as Witness Consciousness. When we adopt this way of relating to our experiences, we have the potential to be at peace. If we latch on to the experience of sadness, anger, frustration, overwhelm, stress, or any number of negative feeling states, then we’re bound to be unhappy. It can feel all-consuming. Through mindfulness practices, one can learn to shorten the half-life of emotions like anger, so we don’t linger there for an extended period of time. Anger, for example, is an incredibly destructive emotion. There really is no benefit to wallowing in this feeling state, as we tend to do and say things that we, later, end up regretting. Similarly, what’s the benefit of sadness? Practically, none. It’s, as Michael Singer says, “one hundred percent cost and zero percent benefit.” We are likely to experience sadness in the face of certain difficult circumstances, like, a divorce, loss of a friend or loved one, dealing with a failure of some sort, or you name it. But, again, we don’t want to linger there. There is so much more to be gained, by being in a great frame of mind. In a Beautiful State, as Tony Robbins refers to it, we think more clearly, we make better decisions, we more easily gain access to our inner well of resourcefulness, we solve problems more effectively, we often take action that is in alignment with our highest selves, and we are more likely to communicate in respectful, tactful ways. There are many benefits. Thich Nhat Hanh once said, “happiness is available. Please help yourself to it.” It feels good to be in a state of joy. Why not seek to be happy, as opposed to the alternative? I can’t think of a justifiable reason to stay stuck in a negative feeling state. I know that I, myself, would much rather prefer to be in a state of joy, more often than not, than anything else.

It’s never the event, it’s never the circumstance, it’s never what somebody says or does that causes us to suffer, it’s ALWAYS how we process it. This is a fundamental principle that Wayne Dyer taught us. We attribute meaning to practically everything that happens to us, and the beautiful thing about this is we get to process our experience however we choose. There’s a major difference in statements like, “Why does this stuff always happen to me,” “I can’t seem to catch a break,” and “life is miserable” compared to “this is going to be my comeback story,” “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” and “failure is just a speedbump on the way to success.” How are you going to look at your circumstances? Are you going to view them in a way that immobilizes you or in a manner that empowers you and propels you forward to greater and greater heights? The choice is yours. And, that’s really important. It’s always a choice.

Pain is inevitable. We’re all going to experience some form of psychological or physical pain over the course of our lives. Suffering is a choice; it’s optional. You don’t have to suffer. Joseph Goldstein, another extraordinary mindfulness guru, who, along with Jack Kornfield and Sharon Salzberg, was instrumental in bringing mindfulness to the western world, said that suffering is when you want something to be other than what it is. That really captures it. We suffer when we want the pain in our back to stop. We suffer when we want our spouse to treat us differently. We suffer when we feel like we are not getting the results that we desire in our business. We suffer when we feel powerless over our circumstances.

To use an example from my personal life, I, traditionally, haven’t dealt with physical injuries very well. Physical activity has always been a very important part of my life. I used to really struggle whenever I felt as if I wouldn’t be able to participate in any of the activities that I like to engage in, when I’ve been injured. It would really bring me down. I would obsess over it, incessantly. Through the years, with the psychological tools that I gained, I learned that injuries weren’t the end of the world, like I once felt that they were. For the most part, they no longer serve as my complete downfall, because I understand that my life is so much bigger than being able to be physically active, and because I learned to more effectively adapt in the face of adverse circumstances. For example, if I couldn’t run because I’d sprained my ankle, I’d focus on swimming or riding my bike. Very often, I would just focus on Yoga, which seemed to be a catchall for feeling good and minimizing discomfort, because it’s so low impact and profoundly healing. My identity is no longer tied to any one form of exercise. Ram Dass said, “if I take my body to be who I am, I am in trouble. But I have learned this is not who I am.” I developed an, what we call, incantation: “my emotional state will not be adversely impacted by the condition of my physical body.” I would say this over and over and over, until I really embraced every word of it.

Another way to ease our suffering is to understand what an incredibly precious gift life is. When we realize that we’ve all practically won the lottery by being born on this great Earth, as, to date, we have yet to discover life on any of the other plants that exist in the entire universe, based on what we’ve been able to explore. Think about how remarkable that is. Of all the galaxies, in all the universe that we’ve encountered, so far, not a single planet has demonstrated any sign of life. That’s a miracle. Do you really want to squander it by staying stuck in your stories, your suffering, your negative patterns of thought, or do you want to do something about it? Tara Brach, in her book Radical Acceptance, tells the story of a patient who was sitting with her mother, while her mother was facing the end of her life. She had been unresponsive, for a period of time, then suddenly woke up and uttered the words, “I spent my whole life thinking that there was something wrong with me. What a waste.” Then she passed away. Let this serve as a wake up call for us all. Are you going to spend your life living under a cloud of darkness, or will you play an active role in managing your mindset.

In general, it is a good practice not to try to resist negative feeling states. As you attempt to stuff those emotions down, they become more pronounced. What we don’t express, we repress, then it ends up gaining more power over us. One strategy for accomplishing this, is to, figuratively, lay out the welcome mat for your difficult emotions. Mingyur Rinpoche, the Tibetan Buddhist monk, learned to use this as a tool for reducing the frequency of his panic attacks, which he experienced frequently, during his childhood. He would, literally, say, “hello panic. Welcome.” He would invite it in for tea. When you attempt to get rid of an emotion, it just amplifies it. What we resist, persists.

Remember this, nobody in this world can make you suffer, except for you. See statements like, “she makes me so upset” for what they really are. What it actually means is, “I make myself upset, when she does x, y, or z,” as Wayne Dyer explains in his book, Your Erroneous Zones and as Michael Singer teaches.

Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, becomes your spiritual teacher. Jack Kornfield says that, “mindfulness does not reject experience. It lets experience be the teacher.” As Wayne Dyer would ask, “how can you use this experience, this difficult person, as an opportunity to transcend to a higher level of consciousness.”

The only power that thoughts have, is the power you give them.

~ Joseph Goldstein

When you have the presence of mind to be able to bring attention to your experience, whatever the difficult emotion is, your brain will literally secrete a chemical that will calm the Limbic region (the emotion center) of your brain. We learn this from Dan Siegel’s work, who refers to this approach as, “name it to tame it.”

Realize that, if somebody you cared about were to pass away, and they lived a thousand miles away, and you didn’t know about it, there’d be no suffering, because you’d have no knowledge of their passing. It’s not until you would have found out about it, that you’d struggle. So, it’s not their having passed away that causes you to suffer, it’s really the thoughts generated about their death that creates that response. In that situation, you might have thoughts like, “they’re gone too early, “I wish I had more time with them,” “I’m going to die one day, too,” or “what if I don’t get done everything that I want to do over my lifetime.” There’s a principal in eastern spiritual philosophy referred to as the first arrow and the second arrow. The first arrow is the event or circumstance that causes us some sort of physical or psychological pain. The second arrow, is anything that we might pile on to that, after the initial problem: “I’m hurt, AGAIN. How could this happen!? Why do these things always happen to me.” “I can never seem to get it right.” “I’m a terrible person.” All of that is unnecessary chatter that is a self-inflicted wound.

One way to look at whatever the experience you’re going through is, to consider what somebody else would pay to be in the position that you’re in, right now, as Sam Harris encourages us to do in our moments of difficulty, to help ease our suffering. Take, for example, the lower back discomfort that I experience on occasion. When it flares up, and I’m in the midst of it, obsessing over the problem, it feels like the end of the world. However, somebody else may be dealing with a bulging disc or paralysis or something else far more significant than my struggle, and is likely praying for a way out of their circumstances. If I were in their shoes, how much would I pay to be back in the position that I’m in now. For example, let’s say you’ve broken your leg, and you have to be in a cast for two to three months. Think about what life would be like if you had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer of some kind. How much would you pay to have only broken that leg. It really puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? Be grateful for your troubles, because we can always re-frame our experience and spin it into a positive. See it as an opportunity. Jocko Willink, ex-Navy Seal and leadership guru, responds to difficult circumstances with one word–“Good.” Next time you’re faced with a challenge, try asking yourself the simple question, “what’s great about this”?

It is not always easy in the moment, but it can be helpful to remember that, for the most part, these moments are fleeting. How you feel today, is not how you’re going to be feeling five days from now. Again, “this too shall pass.”

There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Does anybody really actually want to stay stuck in suffering? For most of us, the answer is no, unless you’re seeking some kind of secondary gain. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s counter-productive. We want to feel good. People are either driven toward pleasure or away from pain, more often than not. This is a basic operating principle in being human. We like the feel good chemicals in our brain. We look for experiences and things that are going to make us feel good and not feel bad.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it would be nice to be without problems, just for a day, but that’s unrealistic. Problems are always going to exist, but we don’t have to allow them to immobilize us. How are diamonds forged? Through intense pressure. It’s cliché, at this point, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Overcoming adversity leads to new levels of confidence, strength of character, and a strong belief that we can weather any storm, no matter what it is. As Jim Rohn said, “Don’t wish it were easier. Wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems. Wish for more skills.”

How are you going to respond? Are you going to allow yourself to stay stuck in the depths of despair, or are you going to put on a brave face, and push forward, and as a consequence overcome your obstacles whatever they may be? You decide. Again, it’s always a choice.

Rarely, are we powerless over our circumstances. Maybe in the case of an impending natural disaster or being in a war torn country, there is an exception to the rule, but, even then, take a look at the example of Malala Yousafzai who overcame incredible hardship to become an inspiration to many. She won the Nobel Peace Prize for her contributions to humanity. There is almost always a solution to everything that we face. There is a way to break free of our suffering.

I know it’s hard to hear, but even in the face of a terminal illness, people can be profoundly impacted to live out the rest of their days with more meaning, more joy, more grace, taking things less seriously, and appreciating more the truly important things in life. I was having a conversation with one of my friends who is close to being on the other side of a cancer diagnosis. We were talking about his experience of going through that journey, and he said, “I just don’t sweat the small things anymore.” Remember Tara Brach’s client example “I spent my whole life thinking that there was something wrong with me. What a waste.” Then the woman passed away. Is that how you want to live your life, or would you prefer to not take your days for granted, and live with renewed vigor and a deep sense of mission and purpose, with a big smile on your face, more often than not. You choose. Ask yourself what you really want. I spent a great deal of my life, staying stuck in despair, before I realized that it was unconstructive. I was much more likely to lead the life that I wanted, by choosing to take on a better attitude, and put in the work to change my circumstances. My son’s Karate teacher one inspired the class with the following words, “change your attitude. Change your outcome.” I still have moments, but I don’t live in that space for extended periods of time. I decided, that there simply was no value in that. There is far greater value in choosing to feel good, and to take the reins and work on changing my circumstances, than the alternative. People get stuck in learned helplessness, which is a problem. They feel that there’s nothing they can do to change their circumstances, and it simply isn’t true. “I’ve tried everything!” Really!? have you? What have you tried? List it. Where there’s a will there’s a way. Tap into that inner well of resilience to find a way through whichever problem you’re facing.

Your circumstances don’t define you, by any means. I’m a living, breathing example of how people can overcome adversity and live a blessed life, no matter what their early experiences were. I was lost, sad, depressed, lacked confidence, inept, almost failed out of college, on multiple occasions. It wasn’t until I started to take control of my life, that I really started to turn things around. From there, I met my future wife, graduated from college, secured a good job, and worked my way up the organizational ladder to a management position. Eventually, after a series of left turns and right turns, I went back to graduate school and obtained a Master’s degree in psychology – earning straight A’s and was close to being elected as class speaker for the graduation ceremony. I am now blessed to be able to be on a professional journey that fills me with a profound sense of purpose, and brings me a great deal of joy. I don’t say this to impress you, but to impress upon you the idea that you too can achieve whatever it is that you set out to accomplish, with the right level of dedication, focus, discipline, and hard work, but you have to really want it. You are not powerless, but you have to believe that finding a way through your suffering is possible.

On Limiting Beliefs And What To Do About Them

Every man is the creation of himself, the image of his own thinking and believing.

~ Claude M. Bristol

Our beliefs have a powerful ability to shape our reality. I’m a firm believer that the strength of our internal world is directly correlated to the success that we experience in the external world. Consciously or unconsciously, beliefs serve as the backdrop for everything that we do. They inform everything from the types of romantic relationships that we seek out, as well as how they develop, to the manner in which we manage and grow our money, to how successful we do or don’t become in our careers or businesses, to the level of health we’re able to achieve.

The beautiful thing about beliefs is that we get to create them, because that’s all they are – beliefs! As Tony Robbins says, “beliefs are just a feeling of certainty about something.” That applies, whether it’s a negative, disempowering belief, or a positive empowering belief. We get to choose them. If beliefs are all made up, why not select something ultimately serves you, and propels you forward to greater heights.

Think about a single belief that you have and explore how that belief influences how you do or don’t show up each and every day. How does it influence the nature of the conversations that you have with people, and how you tackle the things in your life that you need to get done.

An old limiting belief that used to keep me playing small was that if I ever achieved success in life, I might destroy my family. My actions, my level of success was directly linked to the ceiling that I created by continually reinforcing this belief. It wasn’t until I conditioned a new belief that I was able to surpass my previous level of success. The reality, which I failed to comprehend when I first developed that belief, was that a person can be extraordinary successful, professionally, and still be an extremely committed family man. It isn’t easy. It takes work, and a fair amount of juggling, but it can be done. There are examples, out there, of this being the case. I had to embrace this new positive belief, in order to make it a reality.

Dedicate some time to sitting down and writing down a list of your beliefs. Separate them by disempowering and empowering. Do some reflection on how your limiting beliefs stand in the way of you living the life you really want for yourself, and how your empowering beliefs support your efforts to live the life you deserve.

Next, decide what you’re going to do with your limiting beliefs. Realize that change, takes commitment, and that you must re-wire the synaptic connections in your brain that have stored those beliefs, so that you can free yourself from the power they hold over you, and commit yourself to experiencing the world through the lens of the new belief. Recite it over and over and over. The more we practice something, the more we condition ourselves to operate that way, naturally, moving forward. Claude M. Bristol suggests using the practice of Mirror Work, because in order to convince somebody else of anything, you must convince yourself first. Look yourself in the eye and recite the belief, daily, enough times, until it becomes deeply engrained in your subconscious. The more you take action with that new belief as your foundation, and reap the rewards of those actions, the more you reinforce the certainty – the validity – of that belief. Each time you succeed in a manner that is congruent with that belief, you create a strong new point of reference that you can build upon going forward. Your successes begin to stack up, as a result, and before you know it, you’ve made the new belief a part of your identity. At that point, it becomes who you are, and how you operate. For example, Changing a belief from “social interaction is scary,” to “I love people!” will yield wonderful results, but, you have to say it over and over and over, with enthusiasm. The more positive emotion you can put into it, the more effective it will be!

You might be asking what if I say a new belief but I don’t really feel that it’s true. You have to condition it, and test it. Put it to work, and reap the rewards of that effort, so you reinforce the validity and create new points of reference. As a result, you’ll override the old points of reference.

Rule your mind or it will rule you.

~ Horace

You prove to yourself that you can interact with people without devastating consequences, it’s not so scary, and before you know it you’ve gone from being a Wallflower to a Social Butterfly. It doesn’t, necessarily, always mean that you’re fully relieved of this fear of social interactions, it’s just that that voice gets quieter and quieter and only gets activated in extreme circumstances, like giving a presentation in front of a group of people, where you’re the center of attention. It’s a similar path, and very much related, to overcoming imposter syndrome.

As James Clear says, “each action that you take is a vote cast for the type of person you want to be.” Each time you repeat this belief, and act based on that, then you reinforce the belief that, for example, “I can do this” and you even start to apply it to other circumstances, in other situations. As in the previous example, before you know it, you move from a person who is paralyzed with fear to becoming a person who does things, consistently, with great success.

In the writings of Epictetus, from ancient Rome, we see evidence that humans have understood the power that beliefs wield over our lives. So much so, that Albert Ellis, the psychiatrist, created a theoretical orientation referred to as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which seeks to aid people in living a great quality of life, free from the suffering caused by the machinations of the mind. The basic principle of this approach is to re-frame your thoughts from those that are disempowering, or immobilizing as Wayne Dyer would say, to those that are empowering or mobilizing.

“Dogs are to be feared,” changes the way one experiences interactions with animals, compared to “animals are wonderful creatures.” The behaviors follow in kind. Just ask Jane Goodall who completely changed how people viewed primates. She demonstrated that with the right approach, one could live harmoniously amongst these, at times, very dangerous creatures. In a similar way, the entire running community was forever altered after Roger Bannister broke the 4-minute mile barrier. Up until that point, nobody believed that it could be done. There were no examples, or points of reference, for what was possible, so nobody ever accomplished that goal because they had a faulty belief system. He believed, in his heart and mind, that it was possible, he visualized and trained, intently, and, sure enough, he accomplished what was, at the time, a remarkable feet. After he paved the way, and demonstrated what was possible, it started happening in droves, by other athletes.

Remember, beliefs are made up. We get to decide what they are, so wouldn’t it serve us to select beliefs that empower us to grow and thrive in life, rather than those that’ll simply keep us stuck in our current place. I encourage you to make a list of the beliefs that keep you stuck, right where you are.

So, what to do with limiting beliefs. The first and most important step is to bring them into awareness. Once we become aware of a pattern that we’re running, we can get to work in changing it. We do this by, first, identifying them. Once we’ve achieved that, we can reference examples in our lives where those beliefs interfered with whatever we were attempting to accomplish. Limiting beliefs absolutely do not serve us. As Michael Singer might say, “it’s one hundred percent cost and zero percent benefit.” The next step is to condition the belief, until it becomes synonymous with our identity. Repetition is the mother of skill. Create a consistent discipline where you recite the belief, over and over, and, again, do it with emotional intensity, so you create new neuronal connections in your mind. Over and over, my clients talk about how creating empowering incantations, completely transform how they show up. I witness their evolution from suffering to a life of joy, just from this simple practice, alone. Don’t worry, at first it’s hard to do, because you may not believe yourself when you’re talking. It will likely feel a little silly, even. Act as if, at first, and eventually it will become natural, and you’ll really start to own it. Think about the power of this. You shift a belief, then you act in a way that is congruent with that belief, and it changes your life! It’s all upside. Joseph Goldstein, who was influential in bringing mindfulness practices to the western world, decades ago, says that, “the only power that thoughts have is the power that we give them.”

Limiting beliefs. We all have them, and they absolutely stand in the way of our success. Chances are you can think of, at least, one at this moment that you know has hindered you, and yet you can’t seem to free yourself. “I’ll never achieve greatness,” “who am I kidding,” “life always turns out this way,” any of these sound familiar?

It’s time to tend to the garden of your mind. Uproot the weeds. Dig into your mind and remove the limiting beliefs that are inhibiting you from achieving your dreams. Write out a list, so you can train your awareness to recognize when a limiting belief is interfering in your daily life. One powerful way to completely annihilate a limiting belief is to look at the evidence in your life to the contrary. Focus on the memories of times, places, and experiences where the opposite was true.

Mohamad Ali was a fantastic example of all of this in action. Go and watch his “I’ll Show You How Great I Am” press conference rant. He was famous for developing such an intense feeling of certainty about his abilities and what he was going to accomplish that, I believe, that confidence alone is what struck more fear into his opponents than his physical prowess in the ring. Losing, to him, wasn’t even part of the equation. Though he did lose some of his bouts, which was, doubtless, inevitable competing at that high level, at some point, it was his mindset that led him to victory, time and time again. Far more than his physical training and abilities. Out of 61 fights, he lost only 5 times. Let that sink in. You simply could not get into the head of this man, and get him to doubt himself.

Whatever a person frequently thinks and reflects on, that will become the inclination of their mind.

~ Buddha

All of this is the difference between “it can’t be done,” and “we can absolutely make this happen.” In the case of Steve Jobs, as the story goes, one engineer found a pink slip at his desk the day after he told Steve Jobs that he couldn’t design a mouse with the capabilities that Jobs had asked for. The next engineer said that he could do it, and, sure enough, he did. In another instance, engineers pushed back against Jobs’ one week timeline to finish the iMac in time to release to the public. He said, “you can do it. Believe in yourselves. If you can deliver it in two weeks, you can do it in one.”

As a final thought, Wayne Dyer encouraged us all to reframe the old saying of “I’ll believe it when I see it” to “I’ll see it when I believe it.” Take it upon yourself, to put all of this into practice. It will change your life.

Overcoming Difficult Experiences

“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” ~ Seneca

I recently sought wise counsel from Mimi Peak, an extraordinary Coach, to help me in my efforts to powerfully serve one of my clients who was dealing with a great deal of uncertainty, as he navigated an important transition in his life. During the discussion, Mimi shared with me these wonderful words that stand to guide us all, during our most unsettling of moments–“We cannot see the magic that will come from this.”

From there, Mimi encouraged me to watch Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address, which I immediately did. In it, Jobs shares with us some of the profound lessons the he learned from a few of the moments in his life where he was faced with uncertainty, one a moment of significant loss, and one a moment of transition in his life. Speaking on the moment of transition, Steve Jobs encourages us to “trust that you can’t connect the dots looking forward…so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future…because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leaves you off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference.” Speaking on the moment of loss, Jobs shared that being fired from Apple, during his first stint, allowed him to enter the most intensely creative periods of his life, where he started two successful companies, met his wife and started a family.

It seems that, since I’ve had this concept on my mind lately, I’ve noticed evidence of this in many other peoples’ lives and, it turns out that the scientific community has a term for this phenomenon. Positive outcomes as a byproduct of resilience in the face of difficulty, is referred to as Adversarial Growth, otherwise known as Post Traumatic Growth. In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor writes that, “the most successful people see adversity not as a stumbling block, but as a stepping-stone to greatness.”

In a wonderful book titled Solve For Happy, author Mo Gawdat also comments on this idea. Gawdat, in his own life, faced unimaginable tragedy, and, like the esteemed psychiatrist Viktor Frankl with the story he tells in his landmark text–Man’s Search For Meaning, surfaced from the cloud of grief to live a joyful, deliberate, and fulfilling life. Like Jobs, Gawdat urges us to consider the idea that a moment that seems incredibly devastating can end up being a blessing in disguise. While people are often unable to acknowledge this in the moment, later on the message becomes clear–wonderful things have sprouted from that event. Mo Gawdat shares with us an exercise that helps can help us make peace with our most difficult moments. He calls it the “Eraser Test.” With it, he encourages us to engage in a thought experiment whereby we erase a difficult moment from our past. The catch is that we must also wipe out the trail of events that followed, as a result. Mo explains that the majority of those who he had guided through the exercise elected to keep the difficult moments, because of how those moments positively impacted the trajectory of their lives. In his text, Mo poses the following question: “how many of the worst things that you’ve faced turned out, in time, to be the best things that ever happened to you?” Pick a difficult moment from your past. Would you erase this piece of your personal history, if it meant that all the results that followed would also be wiped away?

In an excellent episode of the Tim Ferriss podcast, with ex-Navy Seal Nick Norris, Tim speaks of this notion as “the gift that is attached to the pain.” Tim goes further to share that many of his mentors’ “superpowers were forged from a lot of their greatest pain.”

In my own life, there have been events from my past that were incredibly difficult to navigate through, to say the least, and there is one that I revisit in my life often, as, without it having taken place, I wouldn’t have come to know the most beautiful set of circumstances that ever came to be for me. This moment took place in late adolescence. Toward the end of my high school days, I had wanted to attend Villanova University, as I was accepted into the school of Engineering. Having visited the campus, during a tour, I was drawn to the beauty of the Pennsylvania countryside, the layout of the campus, the cool crisp feel of the East Coast air and, most of all, I was dreaming of independence. I knew that going to school 2,500 miles away from my family and my hometown, would afford me the opportunity to live a more deliberate life than the one I felt I was living at the time. The idea of attending Villanova was incredibly alluring. Unfortunately for me, at the time, I was not going to be able to attend Villanova, primarily for financial reasons. Instead, I ended up at the University of California at Santa Barbara. Years into my life in Santa Barbara, I met my incredible wife and, later, started a wonderful family. As a result, I now have three healthy vibrant extraordinary young children, I live in an excellent community, and none of this would have been possible, had my initial wish come true. I would be leading a very different life, to say the least. I’m incredibly grateful for that experience. That unsettling moment was but a small price to pay for the unending joy that I experience, each day, in my life today. My family fills me with immense purpose and, looking back, now, I wouldn’t even dream of erasing that event from my past.

Another experience that led to something incredible, was being laid off from a previous employer. In the moment, it was incredibly inconvenient. It disrupted the comfortable life that I had created and it was a major blow to my ego, to say the least. It was a reality check, but, at that stage of my life, it also created an opportunity for me to live a dream, for a period of time. It allowed me to momentarily pursue a career as an actor, which sent me on an awesome journey. Had I never set sale on this adventure, I most definitely would have felt a deep sense of regret, at the end of my life. I have since moved on from that career, by choice, but I know that need has now been fulfilled, and it absolutely would not have been possible, had I continued with that particular employer.

Despite wanting to take the path of least resistance, we need these moments to help us grow. It’s clichè, at this point,  but to strengthen a muscle, you must apply force against it, repeatedly or for long durations of time. To improve the quality of our lives, we must face difficult experiences and persist, because, with each of these experiences, comes a new profound lesson, a new piece of valuable insight, an important new skill, the intense motivation to work harder the next time to achieve the desired result, and it builds upon our confidence that we can, in fact, overcome the things that we fear would absolutely do us in, so that we get stronger, and stronger, and stronger, with each passing event.

When you encounter difficulty, failure, a setback, or a period of great uncertainty, keep in mind, that what lies on the other side of what feels like a mountain, doubtless is going to be an incredible gift.

Guarding Our Time

“Within time lies the potential for an impoverished life or for a life of fulfillment; properly used, time becomes the keeper of the ultimate treasure.” ~ Tal Ben-Shahar

In my work with my clients, I often hear statements like the following: “buying back my time is the most important thing that I’ve done for myself,” “I finally feel that I’m in control of my life,” and “I feel alive,” as a result of them being intentional with how they use their time. In their voices, I can hear a sense of relief and a feeling of joy, even fulfillment.

Pay attention to how you’re utilizing your time. It’s incredibly precious. Time is one of the few things that we all have the same amount of, however we don’t all use it the same way. When it comes to the world of high achievers and the subject of productivity, what separates the Jeff Bezos’, Richard Bransons, and Ariana Huffingtons from everyday folks, is that they guard their time very wisely, so much so, that even Ariana Huffington and Jeff Bezos have become proponents of maintaining healthy sleep habits. How do they do it, and still have time to run extremely successful organizations!? Gary Keller, the real estate guru, states that, “productive people get more done, achieve better results, and earn far more in their hours than the rest….the people who achieve extraordinary results don’t achieve them by working more hours. They achieve them by getting more done in the hours they work.”

If you conducted an assessment of how you utilize your time, you will come to find that there are things that you engage in that don’t move the needle closer to your ideal destination in life, which significantly impacts your overall quality of life. Some of these items are simply time wasters. In general, they serve to steer us off track, because they feel good in the moment, and allow us to avoid feelings of discomfort that come with things like working on daunting projects that we have been putting off. Despite the incredible satisfaction that comes with completing tasks, large and small, we still feel compelled, at times, to avoid taking action. Why?

Read more on the real cause of procrastination and how to break through, to be sure that you meet necessary responsibilities head on, rather than avoiding them:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/04/27/why-you-cant-help-read-this-article-about-procrastination-instead-of-doing-your-job/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.fa1bb27d311f

I often share with my clients a metaphor: Imagine sitting at the helm of a vehicle. At any point, each one of us has an opportunity to push the throttle forward, in order to accelerate our journey, our path toward success, simply by making a choice for how we utilize our time. Next time you get frustrated about the feeling that the results aren’t coming fast enough, ask yourself, “am I doing everything I possibly can to move me in that direction?”

As an experiment, just pay attention to any particular task that you engage in, throughout the day, and ask yourself how that will move you closer to where you envision yourself to be, down the road. With that, Tony Robbins says that we “cannot manage, what we do not measure,” so consider crunching the numbers in your own life, so you can work toward improving the overall quality of your life.

When considering your calculations, you will likely want to correct for sleep, which is an absolute necessity for us all. Since the CDC and the American Heart Association strongly recommend a minimum of 7 hours of sleep each night for adults. We’ll consider those 7 hours to be a wash, which leaves virtually everybody with roughly 17 waking hours to dedicate to our lives. How are you utilizing those 17 hours? Common areas of focus, for many people, are relationships (romantic, parent-child, other family, friends, miscellaneous members of your social networks), career, spiritual life, physical health, and miscellaneous necessary daily tasks (life management responsibilities). How this breaks down per category is always a matter of individual personal preference, based on values, priorities, and goals.

Let’s look at some sample data from my life: on one particular day, I spent roughly 89% of my waking hours on worthwhile activities–quality family time, professional commitments, miscellaneous necessary daily tasks, my spiritual life, and my physical health. The remaining 11% was spent on otherwise meaningless tasks. The ideal would be to completely convert that 11% into time well spent, related to the important areas of my life. I am, of course, only human, and do enjoy a little time to decompress, from time to time. With that, I have noticed, in my work with my clients, as well as in my own life, when we make an intentional choice to spend our time in trivial ways, in other words when we give ourselves permission to misuse our time, rather than mindlessly being swept away by the impulse, it prevents us from experiencing the guilt, shame and self-flagellation that comes with not using our time in ways that we would consider to be useful. The goal would be to spend 99.9% of our time, if not 100%, on worthwhile activities, in order to feel truly fulfilled.

These figures, of course, fluctuate depending on what I deem to be a priority, on that given day. On certain days, for example, a larger percentage of time is spent dedicated to family, such as on weekends, and on some days more time is dedicated to personal development, and some time is dedicated to miscellaneous life management responsibilities.

When you’re aware of what these time wasting tasks are robbing you of, you begin to be more intentional. In The Richest Man in Babylon, there is a quote that I often return to: “No man willingly permits the thief to rob his bins of grain.” The thief, in this case, is, of course, those actions that don’t contribute to our living of a good life.

Consider the following questions:

  1. How am I managing my time, on a day-to-day basis?
  2. Am I focused solely on tasks related to the absolute necessities in life, or the areas of my life that I value most?
  3. Is everything that I’m doing moving the needle in the direction of the ideal life that I envision for myself.

After answering these questions, determine what adjustments you’re absolutely committed to making, starting right now, in order to change the trajectory of your life for the better.